Ways I Have Honored and continue to honor the Soul of the Deceased,
Marcel, Menachem EliMelech ben Sholom v'Tova Mateal
by Joy Krauthammer
July 2012
Since Marcel, z"l, died, I have consciously continually honored his memory, and his Neshama, in all traditional ways and also nontradional ways.
It is important to me to traditionally have a Jewish child NAMED after a deceased loved one.
Marcel's and my daughter, Aviva, is named for my mother, Libby, z"l. With traditional wisdom of naming, I spoke to my rabbis and daughter and son-in-law of the importance of a baby's name and Neshama / soul.
A new baby, Maya Sage Nechama, has been named in Marcel's memory. Amayn.
I made a contribution, tzedakah, to that naming synagogue for Marcel's Neshama and Hebrew baby naming.
One week ago when I was visiting (during a major hurricane and, oy, a week-long blackout), Marcel's and my first grandchild, when baby Maya Sage was two weeks old-- her parents accompanied her to her local Maryland synagogue (Ohr Kodesh), when Torah was being read. Aviva and baby had a traditional MiSheberach prayer said for them, while Brett went 'up to Torah' and had an Aliyah. Aviva benched Gomel, as is traditional following birth of baby to thank the Holy One.
At the Torah, Baby was given the Hebrew name of Maya Nechama, named for her grandfather Marcel, Menachem Elimelech, z'l. Amayn. Both Nechama and Menachem translate to 'comfort'.
Maya Sage is also named for her other 3 deceased great-grandparents, z"l, whose names begin with "S".
Maya peacefully slept the entire time, not powerfully requesting her regular mother's milk meal.
Baby Maya Sage will also soon have a Simchat Bat at another synagogue, a large joyous Jewish baby girl's celebration with friends and paternal family in MA. Maya was given additional name, Sivan.
(Since then, younger baby Eliana Jade has been named for other relatives in need of the naming honors. E is for Etel, Joy's maternal grandmother, z"l, and Jade for Yosef, Joy's father, z"l.)
(Since then, younger baby Eliana Jade has been named for other relatives in need of the naming honors. E is for Etel, Joy's maternal grandmother, z"l, and Jade for Yosef, Joy's father, z"l.)
This naming act with Marcel's name, is the final remaining significant act that could be done in memory of Marcel.
He must be smiling in Shmayim.
~ ~ ~
I ensured that Marcel had a proper Jewish burial, with Tahara, Shomer, and Tachrichin by Chevra Kadisha. I personally chose the best Tahara man, and the best Shomer to serve.
I designed with a Mogen Dovid on top, and ordered a kosher casket.
I designed with a Mogen Dovid on top, and ordered a kosher casket.
I chose and paid for a pleasant cemetery plot in a Jewish cemetery. I made sure it is cared for.
I arranged for rabbis and honorary pall bearers that Marcel would like and approved, as we had discussed years before.
I arranged for a funeral time so that disabled brother could come in time.
I arranged for the Mourner's Kaddish and a Minyan in full accordance with Jewish law and tradition.
I arranged for males in different cities to regularly say Kaddish.
For Marcel's levaya / funeral, I wrote a loving invite letter to all.
I arranged funeral procession through a lovely fire-lit memorial garden with trees so that Marcel's Neshama could find comfort. I arranged for the trees to be pruned so path was easy and clear.
I had traditional mourning rites with Kriah / a torn garment and ribbon.
I sat Shiva and covered mirrors.
For viewing by mourners and guests, I arranged tables of Marcel's memorabilia and photos of him.
I arranged and paid for shiva meals for guests, and 'comfort' kosher meal for us mourners to be hosted at friends' home.
I made sure to pay for all costs including carpet cleaning, incurred by host friends.
I expressed gratitude for their kindness.
I made sure to pay for all costs including carpet cleaning, incurred by host friends.
I expressed gratitude for their kindness.
I arranged for obituaries for Marcel. I contacted his medical school, AECOM, and place of work.
I had Marcel honored in the press.
I had Marcel honored in the press.
I answered all condolence correspondence and shared with his friends, family and colleagues.
I give Tzadakah in Marcel's name on death and on annual Yahrzeits and all Yiskors, when I also prayed.
I donated a bronze memorial plaque with lights in Marcel's name at Chabad where Marcel had Davened.
I had a candle lit in a synagogue (Chabad) every day for the first year, in honor of his departed soul.
I continue to have a candle lit on Marcel's Yahrzeit and Yiskors.
I have his name read at shuls on Yahrzeit and Yiskors.
I continue to have a candle lit on Marcel's Yahrzeit and Yiskors.
I have his name read at shuls on Yahrzeit and Yiskors.
Marcel's name was also recited in synagogues across the globe, California, Maryland, Arizona, Massachusetts, New York and Israel at Hadassah Hospital.
I purchased his Bar Mitzvah Parsha to be written in a new Torah at Shomrei Torah Synaogue, West Hills, CA.
Additional High Holy Days Parsha were also contributed/written by his mother, also at Shomrei Torah Synagogue.
And by Aviva at her shul.
And by Aviva at her shul.
I planted purple iris flower-filled gardens in Marcel's name at LA's Barlow Respiratory Hospital.
For Marcel, I very carefully and conscientiously designed, and purchased a beautiful Matzeivah / gravestone, and also a pillowblock/ head stone.
I continue to clean the grave stone and make sure that plot is cleaned of debris.
I continue to clean the grave stone and make sure that plot is cleaned of debris.
I plant by the gravestone.
I paid for the gravesite to be cared for, without weeds or overgrown.
Marcel had requested only a standing granite stone, per contract and family history; Because of this cemetery, with guilt and remorse, after purchase, I had to settle for a flat grave stone, and tried to appease his request and Neshamah.
In Marcel's name, z"l, and his wishes for grave needs, I stood up for him and fought for Tzedek / justice until met.
In Marcel's name, z"l, and his wishes for grave needs, I stood up for him and fought for Tzedek / justice until met.
I arranged for and led, officiated at a loving Hakamat Matzeivah full unveiling ceremony for Marcel, with friends and family present.
I had a reception at home following unveiling with Marcel's friends, family and MD's.
In Jewish tradition I gave and continue to give in Marcel's name: clothes for the naked, I have visited the sick, comforted mourners, accompanied dead to grave, and provided for brides and babies.
I gave Marcel's beautiful clothes away to friends who could wear anything. I loved his ties.
Clothes, belts, shoes, etc. I drove a distance and donated to a men's training organization where men trained for employment. A shul, Ahavat Torah was sponsoring this group. I also donated boxes of his clothes to a Jewish women's organization.
I had a reception at home following unveiling with Marcel's friends, family and MD's.
In Jewish tradition I gave and continue to give in Marcel's name: clothes for the naked, I have visited the sick, comforted mourners, accompanied dead to grave, and provided for brides and babies.
I gave Marcel's beautiful clothes away to friends who could wear anything. I loved his ties.
Clothes, belts, shoes, etc. I drove a distance and donated to a men's training organization where men trained for employment. A shul, Ahavat Torah was sponsoring this group. I also donated boxes of his clothes to a Jewish women's organization.
My Mitzvot increased in Marcel's name, and I inspired my daughter to do the same.
I studied Torah in the name of Marcel.
I donated prayer books/ Siddurs to local synagogues in the memory of Marcel, with his Hebrew name and that of his father.
Each year in synagogue during Pesach, Shavuot, Shemini Atzeret, and Yom Kippur, I have recited Yizkor/memorial prayer.
Every year on his Yahrzeit, I say prayers in shul, give tzadakah / charity, and at Marcel's grave, recite Psalms.
I regularly visit the gravesite on yahrzeits and chagim / holidays, his birthday and other times.
I invite his friends to visit, and they accompany me.
I invite his friends to visit, and they accompany me.
I place a pebble on the gravestone to mark my presence.
I prepare pebbles for others to leave their mark.
I call our daughter and her family from the gravesite and on speaker have her/them say hello to Marcel.
(My daughter visits with Brett and with baby Maya Sage Nechama Sivan (and now also newest baby Eliana Jade.)
(My daughter visits with Brett and with baby Maya Sage Nechama Sivan (and now also newest baby Eliana Jade.)
Marcel's gravesite has a granite bench to sit on. Colorful trees (Crepe Myrtle and Italian Cypresses) to enjoy, shrubs (red berry Nandina) and many day lily tuber flowers. Hawks soar overhead the hills.
On Marcel's yahrzeits, I bring to shul, Chabad of Northridge (where Marcel served as Ba'al Koreh for 18 years), for the rabbi to read to Shacharit morning assembled congregation -- from a heavy over sized book called "Divrei Shulim" ~ The Wisdom of Shulim Krauthammer: Letters to his sons, 1974-1984. The rabbi reads a teaching in the book on the Torah's Parsha, that was hand-written each week by Shulim based on weekly learning with his renowned teacher, Rabbi Yosef Soleveichik, z"l, and desiring to share that wisdom with his sons. Marcel's parents, Shulim and Thea, were devoted to him and his brother.
(I still have the original letters sent to Marcel from the time we were married.)
I send a letter to our friends reminding them that with gratitude, I recall their Chesed and devotion to us during Marcel's 18 years of challenging cancer.
On Marcel's yahrzeits, I bring to shul, Chabad of Northridge (where Marcel served as Ba'al Koreh for 18 years), for the rabbi to read to Shacharit morning assembled congregation -- from a heavy over sized book called "Divrei Shulim" ~ The Wisdom of Shulim Krauthammer: Letters to his sons, 1974-1984. The rabbi reads a teaching in the book on the Torah's Parsha, that was hand-written each week by Shulim based on weekly learning with his renowned teacher, Rabbi Yosef Soleveichik, z"l, and desiring to share that wisdom with his sons. Marcel's parents, Shulim and Thea, were devoted to him and his brother.
(I still have the original letters sent to Marcel from the time we were married.)
I send a letter to our friends reminding them that with gratitude, I recall their Chesed and devotion to us during Marcel's 18 years of challenging cancer.
I created a photo and story-filled website in Marcel's memory.
This essay is included in Marcel's site.
This essay is included in Marcel's site.
I have looked for, searched, found, scanned and shared photos of Marcel for family, friends and website.
I created a large memory book for Marcel.
For Marcel's first few Yahrzeits, in his memory, I organized and played at musical events.
In Marcel's name, I created and donated Hope art for a Holocaust quilt.
The Holocaust quilt is on display at Mt. Sinai Memorial Park in their chapel.
In Marcel's name, I created Memorial Flame cards and share them with mourners, to comfort the bereaved and guide them with communication to their deceased beloveds.
The Holocaust quilt is on display at Mt. Sinai Memorial Park in their chapel.
In Marcel's name, I created Memorial Flame cards and share them with mourners, to comfort the bereaved and guide them with communication to their deceased beloveds.
For Marcel and his mother, I speak weekly to her for Shabbat. I have phone placed to her ear, if she is unable to hold phone.
When in DC, I visit with Marcel's mother.
I share photos and stories about Zayde Marcel with my granddaughters, now 2 and 6 years.
When in DC, I visit with Marcel's mother.
I share photos and stories about Zayde Marcel with my granddaughters, now 2 and 6 years.
I have created photo art in the memory of Marcel.
Now on this, Marcel's site, I have created a page about his ancestors, including his mother after her death 2.14.2019, and with photos also of his father, z"l.
PPS
2018, almost 13 years yahrzeit
It is Rosh Chodesh Elul, and I am thinking about Marcel as I prepare for Rosh HaShanah.
Because since Marcel's death, I am even a more compassionate person, I have taken on more mitzvot in his name.
I visit the sick and elderly, doing Bikur Cholim, especially for caregivers to be supportive because I understand their burdens, duties and personal needs.
Because I understand the ongoing process of grief, I am a source of comfort when I offer myself and words of encouragement and hope.
I send love notes, and greeting cards that I create and personalize.
I respond to their notes and cries.
I've created and held a "Valley Death Cafe", helping friends to understand the need for End of Life plans where they can have a discussion on the difficult topic.
My Gemilut Hasadim/ kindnesses, have inspired others, and made them feel they were not alone on their paths.
When others say Kaddish, I stand by their side so they are not alone.
I share helpful guidance on making funerals, gravestones, and unveiling ceremonies because I have the experience.
Since Marcel died, I designed and had a beautiful gravestone made and erected for our pre-mature twins, Miriam and Moshe, z'l, (born and died immediately same day, 1975, and had our rabbi bury them.)
I buried my sister 12 months ago, and I officiated, and designed and had created her matzeivah soon after her kosher burial, 4 months later. I arranged Chevra Kadisha and kosher coffin. All experience I learned from Marcel, z"l.
Every year on Marcel's yahrzeit, I invite a Chabad friend, Larry, to share stories at shul about Marcel, and about judgement, and how Marcel came in time for chanting Torah at shul, but too late for first prayers, because no one knew that Marcel was already chanting Torah at another earlier traditional minyan the same morning, as he did for 18 years, serving two traditional communities every Shabbat.
Every year I write tzedakah for that Chabad in Marcel's memory.
Every year, I have a candle lit in Marcel's memory.
Every year I call Marcel's mother on that yahrzeit, and I also call our daughter, Aviva.
(Now with Marcel's mother, z'l, gone, beginning in 2020 I will not call on Marcel's yahrzeit. She can visit with the souls in Heaven of her two sons.)
(Now with Marcel's mother, z'l, gone, beginning in 2020 I will not call on Marcel's yahrzeit. She can visit with the souls in Heaven of her two sons.)
In her father's memory, Aviva has organized years of 'Tot Shabbats' with Torah teachings at her synagogue.
I have carefully written out family Trees with Marcel's ancestors, z"l, and descendants and shared Family Tree with family and created tree on Geni.com for Marcel and family.
Links below to memorials that Aviva and I have held for Marcel, Ilui Neshamot, may his Neshamah have a continued Aliyah:
I have given to Aviva, the beautiful sterling silver hand-crafted Tzedakah box in shape of Citadel, I purchased in Jerusalem for Marcel.
With love and traditional loyalty,
a new Bubbie,
and widow (Yes, 6 1/2 years later, I've now used the "w" word)
Joy Krauthammer
~
PS
I leave Marcel's golf balls in the garden where I find them, even 7 years later.
~
Dec. 20, 2013, 17 Tevet 5774
Marcel's, z'l, 8th yahrzeit today
Spoke to mother-in-law, and children. Went to one of shuls / Chabad where Marcel served as Ba'al Koreh. Acknowledged his lit memorial plaque. Appreciative of memories shared in shul by friend Larry; annual ritual that warms my heart. Gave tzedakah. More mitzvot in Marcel's name. Made memorial collage for Aviva and sent it. Thanked cousin Bruce for saying Kaddish at his shul, as family did last night on East coast. Studies Torah. Viewed left over golf ball still sitting under rose bush in my garden since at least a decade ago from before Marcel was paralyzed. :)
I 'm grateful our friend Brian went to cemetery with me, as he does every year, and cleaned gravestone, rubbing off salt from water. Since stone is flat, it is ruined by the elements. We left stones. I feel the years.
Flickering memorial candle was color of sunrise. Made more art and share this with you below.
BlesSings, JOY
~ ~
17 Tevet 5779, 13th yahrzeit
For Marcel's z"l, 13th yahrzeit, 5779 I share his hand-calligraphed Horowitz rabbinic family tree for 17 generations that ended with his maternal grandfather. (See post for ancestors.) Marcel, too was a 'yeshivah bocher', as were his father and brother, Charles, z"l, recently deceased, 6 months ago, June 2018.
For 18 years, Marcel also served as Ba'al Koreh (Torah chanter) at two synagogues, every Shabbat; One, a Chabad and another, a traditional minyan. Marcel continued his Talmud studies all his life. Not long before he died, Marcel had a siyyum at a Young Israel following his 14 years of Gemorah study. He used his studies in Jewish medical ethics to teach others in medicine. When Marcel was paralyzed, I asked Marcel about his prayers with the little bible that always was with him, and he said he didn't need it, because the siddur was memorized. I gave the little siddur to our daughter. I had Marcel buried in his tallit with cut-off tzitzit, and with his baseball cap/ kipa, and Oatmeal, favorite teddy bear that went everywhere with him, to all hospitals during his 18 years of disease. 'Oatmeal' the bear had disappeared when hospital sheets were changed and sent out, and I had the hospital chase it down through the streets of LA until Oatmeal was found...
For countless years in his 23 years as UCLA Professor Of Medicine, Marcel was voted by all medical housestaff, as #1 Professor. His goal was that he wanted to be as good as his best professors who had taught him.
- Joy Krauthammer
Marcel Krauthammer, MD would be embarrassed that once again, for years, he was voted by UCLA Housestaff as UCLA Professor of Medicine of the Year. Marcel's UCLA obituary is on-line. Marcel was a graduate of Yeshiva's Albert Einstein College of Medicine/AECOM. He continued his studies in Jewish medical ethics (and Gemara) while director of VAMC Intensive Care Unit (until the 1994 earthquake). Directing the ICU for 17 years and later years in clinics, along with specializing in Critical Care, Pulmonary medicine (and radiology), he also (while treating patients) taught medical ethics to the UCLA medical students, interns, residents and fellows. Marcel's goal was always to be as good as his own professors of Medicine and he was. When Marcel needed to retire early from UCLA, I found him a part-time job teaching golf at the local university, CSUN, and teaching his passion made him happy. Marcel also taught golf to our daughter. When we dated, together we played 'miniature golf'.
This week during Sephirat HaOmer's week of Tiferet, Marcel, z"l, would have turned 73, but he died after 18 years of debilitating cancer at 59 years old. I continue to say Kaddish and Yiskor at the Chabad of Northridge where Marcel devotedly served Jewish community every Shabbat for 18 years as Ba'al Koreh / Torah chanter.
L'Dor V'Dor: Aviva and Brett's daughters go to Jewish schools and learn to speak and sing (and drum) Hebrew.
- Joy Krauthammer, May 2019 in Tiferet
~ ~ ~
Marcel would have been 73 years this week
His mother and younger brother outlived him.
His father died one year before Marcel was diagnosed.
z"l
Marcel Krauthammer, MD would be embarrassed that once again, for years, he was voted by UCLA Housestaff as UCLA Professor of Medicine of the Year. Marcel's UCLA obituary is on-line. Marcel was a graduate of Yeshiva's Albert Einstein College of Medicine/AECOM. He continued his studies in Jewish medical ethics (and Gemara) while director of VAMC Intensive Care Unit (until the 1994 earthquake). Directing the ICU for 17 years and later years in clinics, along with specializing in Critical Care, Pulmonary medicine (and radiology), he also (while treating patients) taught medical ethics to the UCLA medical students, interns, residents and fellows. Marcel's goal was always to be as good as his own professors of Medicine and he was. When Marcel needed to retire early from UCLA, I found him a part-time job teaching golf at the local university, CSUN, and teaching his passion made him happy. Marcel also taught golf to our daughter. When we dated, together we played 'miniature golf'.
This week during Sephirat HaOmer's week of Tiferet, Marcel, z"l, would have turned 73, but he died after 18 years of debilitating cancer at 59 years old. I continue to say Kaddish and Yiskor at the Chabad of Northridge where Marcel devotedly served Jewish community every Shabbat for 18 years as Ba'al Koreh / Torah chanter.
L'Dor V'Dor: Aviva and Brett's daughters go to Jewish schools and learn to speak and sing (and drum) Hebrew.
- Joy Krauthammer, May 2019 in Tiferet
~ ~ ~
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